Yesterday I had the privilege to talk to a friend I haven't seen in many years. As we talked about life and how things were and our friendship, etc. in addition to our many inspirational reflections and remembrances, he apologized for something done to hurt me so very long ago. I was deeply touched and, although I was grateful for his apology and honesty which took a lot of courage, I also felt so much for him. Although we never had any sort of falling out when that happened, continued being good friends and both grew up and changed for the better, he still carried around this burden of shame for having hurt me.
My heart went out to him. The anger and hurt I had experienced had long since passed and all I felt for him at this moment was compassion and some sadness that his soul had ached with this sorrow for over a decade. And that this was not the only one. He told me how much he deeply regrets so many things of the past and, though he's by no means religious, he's been trying so much to change, such that, if any deity does exist, that that God could be proud of him.
I pleaded with my friend to know that he can let go of those things because of the atonement. I told him about the infinite sacrifice of the Savior who loves my friend so much that he suffered inexplicable pain--all that my friend has suffered and all the pain I may have suffered regarding it, and everything everyone else has suffered. And not only does that make up for any sort of metaphysical heavenly indebtedness that my friend could never, on his own, repay, that there is a power in that sacrifice which can be imbued in us whereby we might find strength to everyday do better and feel a peace that we don't have to carry around our burdens anymore.
Jesus explained it like this: "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light."
So that he knows how real this power is, today I realize that there are a few things more I wanted to share with my friend.
A story is told about a man named Alma. Alma's father was a leader in the church and community. But, for whatever reason, Alma didn't like that. He didn't like the church so much that he went about intending to get people to leave and creating a ruckus in the community. Perhaps he was like that of the prodigal's son who, as is described, spent his days in "riotous living."
After a dramatic series of events, Alma came to the realization that he he had done a lot of things wrong and, worse yet, that he had hurt a lot of people.
From that point forward, this is his story as related to his son, in his own words:
"I was racked with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins.
"Yea, I did remember all my sins and iniquities, for which I was tormented with the pains of hell; yea, I saw that I had rebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments.
"Yea, I had murdered many of his children, or rather led them away unto destruction; yea, and in fine so great had been my iniquities, that the very thought of coming into the presence of my God did rack my soul with inexpressible horror.
" Oh, thought I, that I could be banished and become extinct both soul and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the presence of my God to be judged of my deeds.
" And now, for three days and for three nights was I racked, even with the pains of a damned soul.
"And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.
"Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart; O Jesus, thou Son of god, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.
"And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.
"And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!
"Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy."
This really happened. I know it did and I experience something similar (although less dramatic) in my own life. Every time I come unto God with sincerity, trying to do better.
I believe that, although Alma came to this realization because he remembered what his father said about Jesus, and because the experiences I have had are mainly do with my understanding of Jesus, that a similar process can happen even to those who may not believe in or have never even heard of Jesus. But to those who believe that there is hope for the future. I do know that it is possible only because of Jesus. And that power is available to all. It may not happen quickly or immediately. And we each come to terms with our own lives in our own way. But as we humbly come to realize that we need something beyond our own limited mortal capacities to rectify the past and to aid us in the future, a Savior, if you will, we will find that power.
This power can be called many things. Today I'd like to call it grace and just touch briefly on some of the thoughts I've had about it recently.
Without getting into too much detail about the historical theological debate between Christians regarding the role of grace v. works, I'd like to touch upon an analogy that Jesus makes about how we can be recipients of this power.
He teaches in the fifteenth chapter of John:
"I am the vine, ye are the branches; He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.
"If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned.
"If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you.
"Herein is my father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye be my disciples.
"As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love."
To me this passage is beautiful because it describes the manner in which we can receive the Savior's power, this grace, as a relationship. It's no longer and idea of "am I good enough?" "Did I work hard enough?" "What if I didn't go to church or cursed or lied or said mean things to my ex-boyfriend, am I doomed forever, etc?"
The notions of the immutable tally of good or bad, of law and justice, of righteous (or self-righteous) achievement go right out the window.
Now that isn't to say that there isn't right or wrong, good and and bad, law and justice, etc. Of course if we lied or hurt someone there will be consequences. But the receipt of heavenly power is not contingent on our capacity to be righteous (which we possess so little of on our own) but instead of where we are in our relationship to Christ. He says things like "abide in me," "continue in my love" etc. When we're trying to love others and we mess up are we still "abiding" and "continuing" to spread the love he has shown to us? Or do we, upset at ourselves and our fallible nature, give up and shamefully separate ourselves from him and isolate ourselves from others? (I know that's what I do.)
So what does it mean to "abide?" It means to stay. In one sense of the word, it's like the dramatic movie scene where someone (in this case us, the broken ones) gets shot in the chest, blood everywhere, and his best friend beside him holds his hand with one hand and with the other fatefully attempts to hold in the wound. What is he saying as the hurt friend drifts in and out of consciousness waiting for the ambulance to arrive? "Stay with me. Stay with me. I'm here. You will get through this. Stay with me."
The Savior knows we can heal, not only because he is the healer (better than any emergency room trauma surgeon) but also because he, during his suffering at Gethsemane and on the cross had also been wounded much more dramatically. He offered himself as a suffering, descended below all pain, sin, sickness and hardship, and overcame all. He triumphantly rose on the third day. We will be as well. He knows how to heal us.
Lastly, the Savior teaches further on in the chapter "If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love." It seems like a catch 22. We are fallible, cannot keep the commandments and that is why we need his grace. But in order to obtain that power we need to keep his commandments. It's because he knows that with him we can achieve more. In the cycle of our human-ness, we falter and need a Savior, he lifts us up as he did for Alma, we do well and then falter again. "As oft as they repent, they were forgiven" the scriptures say. It's a cycle. A continual turning. An abiding.
So today I urge you to look up to that higher power in humility. Come unto him and open up your whole soul, believing you will be received. You will find that peace, I know you will. You will find that power. He laid down his life for you, for his friends. "I stand at the door and knock. Whosoever will open I will come unto him and sup with him, and he with me."
