I hope this post will help some of you out there, because I'm opening myself up to a lot of vulnerability right now. (But what a better way to do that than a public forum like the internet, eh? #dirtylaundry.)

We're takin' it back now, ya'll (two hops this time).

Sooo, when I was twelve years old, after really coming to terms with the shambles that was my dysfunctional family, I prayed really, really hard that I could possibly have a family of my own unlike the one that I had then. That it could be a happy family. That we wouldn't fight all the time and hurt one another. That my children would actually want to come home from school unlike me at the time. There are so many good, intelligent, fun, beautiful people in my family so it confused me so much as to why we couldn't just "make it work." (I would like to point out that I believe each member of my immediate family has worked really hard on our emotional issues and we actually really get along really well with a lot of love, so we pretty much now are the happy family I have always wanted.)

So ever since then the Lord has been teaching me, little by little. He taught me how to have friends (and how to be a friend). He brought me to people young and old who show me that they genuinely care about me. He showed me the relationships of other people. I went to counseling. (LOTS of counseling). I took classes. I read scriptures, repented of my own baggage and forgave others of their part in it and deepened my relationship with the Savior who healed me from so many things.

One of the most profound pieces of advice from my mission president (the best possible man for the job for development, imho) was to be 'emotionally self-reliant.' I have strived for that ideal.

A mission, a bachelor's degree, multiple moves and two fiancées later, I still believe that my dream of a happy family is a possibility and I am now well-equipped to do it.

That's the preface of my story:

For the past two years I have worked at a developmental disabilities agency. It was a great job in a lot of ways and I loved working with the people. As the years went by I realized I was falling further and further behind in my paperwork with little capacity to catch up. I went through another bout of depression after my last break-up wherein I was barely getting by and I was just trying every day to keep going.

On the way home from work one day I passed by the place where I used to go to counseling. (I traveled a lot for work so it was exceptionally rare I took this particular route to get home.) I realized that it had gotten so bad that if I didn't talk to somebody I might do something I regretted, so I just pulled into the parking lot and walked in. I asked the receptionist (who knew me and was happy to see me) if Royce was available wherein she said he only worked in the morning. She asked me if I was okay at which point I began sobbing and said "no." She said she would go see if someone else was available. She came back and said that Dale would see me in a few minutes.

Dale was what I imagined Santa Clause looking like without the beard. Round, red-faced, jovial. He told a joke at every turn. I was skeptical about this particular visit because I had been to counseling so many times. I wondered if there was something like really wrong with me. Instead of the things I was used to hearing, he came from a completely different approach. He said 'how long has it been since you've been to the doctor?' (Like, many years.) He said that perhaps there was something physical to what was going on. If I gained seventy pounds in the past six months, that was likely. Perhaps there was a thyroid issue or something. In addition to recommending the prospect of psychiatric medication (and he really must have been speaking by the Spirit to ever even get me to consider such), he committed me (pun intended) to go to the doctor and get all my levels checked out.

I prayed a lot and looked around to find a really good doctor because I didn't just trust anybody. I must say that I really appreciated getting Dr. Parker. He listened to me empathetically. I told him what I thought might be going on and my fears. I told him my various theories about medication (having studied psychology, I had lots of theories). He told me a story about how there was a time where he needed an anti-depressant to help him get by. No stigma, just a support as he tried to figure stuff out during his last years of school with a blooming family. This softened me up a little bit and I started taking an anti-depressant.

We ran some tests. My test for diabetes came back normal so he tested me for insulin resistance. They said the glycogen would be the worst. And it wasn't delicious but I had eaten things more disgusting in my lifetime. No. The worst thing was fainting in the doctor's office. Twice! I had to work really hard to figure out how I was going to get home because they said I couldn't drive. I told the nurse I needed to find more friends who didn't work during the daytime.

It seemed like I slept on the doctor's table for hours. I cancelled my appointments for the next few days to recover. I didn't feel like eating anything for a long while. I was miserable.

The doctor basically told me I had the worst case of insulin resistance (one in 900 people have that reaction to the test) and if we didn't take drastic measures I would very likely develop diabetes.

This was pretty much the last straw. I didn't want to be at my job anymore. I didn't want to be depressed anymore. Or on medication or anything. I wanted someone to fix me. I wanted to be healed.

I prayed "I know this sounds really silly, Heavenly Father, and I'm almost a little ashamed to asked because I'm SUPPOSED to be a big adult person now, and I've been trying to be responsible. But if it's at all possible, could you please send a miracle person to come and heal me? Like, I don't expect a 'laying on of hands type thing' because I know there are things I can learn from this about how to take better care of myself. But I mean a person who can take care of me for a short period while I'm figuring things out. Despite the fact I love cooking I can't even feed myself properly because I am so depressed about everything and having such a terrible time."

Well, miracles happen, I know it because the next day my cousin (one of my bestest, most trusted confidants) called me and said she was coming to visit. She didn't really know about any of the medical stuff. The next day I quit my job. I gave thirty days notice. I knew I had to. It was going to likely kill me because I just couldn't do it anymore. That was the first step to my getting freedom.

My cousin took care of me. She stayed for ten days. She cooked for me. She listened to me. She asked me the tough questions that caused me to sob and clean out the hurting and the aching. She helped me let go of the grief of the many unfulfilled dreams and prepared me for times ahead.

I got a call from another friend of mine who gave me a free ticket for a (perhaps six hundred dollar, not sure exactly how much) seminar called The Ultimate Money Mindset put on by the spouse of an old friend of mine whom I hadn't talked to in ages. There I learned more about my value and my capacity and the call I have from Heavenly Father to build the Kingdom of Zion and to trust Him in doing it. There I cleaned out even more junk I had, even anger at God for not yet giving me the desire I had of getting married, even to some of the really good men I had met and by whom I had been rejected (even though some of them said it wasn't rejection, lol). I learned a lot about not being a victim and taking accountability for my own life and understanding that I could create anything I wanted regardless of my circumstances. Not only did I believe these things then, but I have seen them transforming every aspect of myself.

I put myself to work and for the last three months I have changed jobs, moved, started my own business and just worked and learned and grew everyday. I realized how I need to take charge of myself and what emotional self-reliance really is. I learned a lot about my emotional blocks and how to clear them out. I've been given everything I've ever asked for. Even so much that I've started working on my physical body. Something I'd dreaded for a long while. I am running every day. I am eating healthy and am actually enjoying it. I am probably working harder than I had in the past six years. I still experienced a lot of blocks and wondered what was going on.

I realized one of the blocks I had. Before I started dating my (ahem, it's so funny to say this) First ex-fiancée, I had been living a really good life. I had saved up all my money for my mission . I was working three jobs, two of them being my own businesses. And I was going to school fulltime. I had lost fifty pounds. I had done a lot of changes in preparation for having a good future. I realized that a part of me believed that if that woman, the best one I could be wasn't good enough for my ex-fiancée, then there really wasn't any point in trying. So I hadn't been trying as hard as I honestly could.

Well that was that! Done living in wallowing! I was going to take control again. Then I learned about how, sometimes in order to raise your vibration, (yea there are emotional roots stopping you) sometimes you just have to DO what is scaring you regardless of the block. Live as if you're already past the block and you'll get past it. Otherwise you will continue to get stopped in your tracks and keep coming back to that dark, dark place.

That's where I was this morning. I have recently experienced hurt in my relationships for reasons I don't understand. So many of my close friends are angry with me and I'm not sure why. I don't know how to fix it. I was crying a lot to Heavenly Father. "I don't wanna move forward because I cannot let go of this anger and sadness that so many of my friends aren't speaking to me. It hurts and it seems like if they choose to be angry then there is nothing I can do to fix it. And I feel so powerless." (Going back to victim mode.)

At that very moment my friend Alex called me. His spidey-sense was tingling and he knew that something was wrong. He told me "this isn't you, Sarah. This isn't the amazing, dynamic person that I know." I replied "I know, but I know that I feel so paralyzed." I told him about how in my whole life all I wanted to do was get married. I tell people that they need to trust even though they've been hurt before, and that no matter what happens, the Lord will heal them. But right now I feel like I don't even want to get married. There is no purpose in it. I can't trust anybody anymore. I have lost so many of my closest, dearest, most beloved friends. Friends with whom I have allowed myself to be vulnerable. Friends that I have trusted. That the Lord placed in my path and have been a valuable part of my healing. Friends that I have hurt on accident and they have done the same things as those people in the past--got angry, stopped talking and just walked away."

He straight up asked me the following question: "now, why, after all you've been through, and after all the things that could possibly happen, would you be attacked in this particular way--this place that is your strength? So much so that you would give up on this fundamental dream you have never once, even after two broken engagements and so many heartaches given up on?"

I said the first thing that popped into my head. The most obvious thing to me. It all made sense after that. "It's because I am so close." I knew it was true. I'm not even dating anybody, but I can feel it in my bones. I am closer than I've ever been to meeting the man who is not going to leave me. Who will love me with all my drama. Who will trust that I am capable. That when I'm down I'm going to get myself back up. That I'm listening to my Heavenly Father who is helping me to follow His plan and live through His Spirit. And that when we figure out what we need to do together, nothing is stopping us.

Understanding that piece was my key to moving forward. When we hear truth and it's spoken through the power of the Spirit--through angelic messengers both seen and unseen, it changes us. It reminds us of who we are and of greater things that lie ahead. It gives us hope for the future, motivation to keep going and direction of where to go. I knew that I needed to do what I've always done--trust those people whom I love to the Lord, pray that their hearts will be softened and their anger dissipated, thank them for playing this role in my life that has taught me, and then let them go to God  and keep moving forward, trusting that He will lead me to do what I need to do to keep going.

I say these things because I want to encourage all of you. Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother have a plan for each of us. Your value is so incredible, you have scarcely a faint idea. You have a specific piece to play in this wonderful creation which is bringing us back to Them. And, because of the atonement of Jesus Christ, we can play those roles incredibly beautifully, even with our failings and mistakes. Get over your anger. Don't give up hope in your relationships. Love your fellow beings and work towards building up the Kingdom. Don't be afraid to do it and when you face obstacles, don't take that as a sign that you shouldn't continue or that you're crazy. Take it to God. Know how to listen to His Spirit and trust in the things that lead to higher vistas. God's power is much bigger than you think. There are no limitations. You can do it faster and easier than you imagine. Do you have negative emotions, including towards yourself, towards others, or even about some idea? False beliefs? Let the Savior heal them so you can continue creating the things you want in your life. There's no reason you can't do it. If there's something in your life you're not liking--your money, your health, your work situation, whatever, you can fix it. You are the child of Creators of Infinity.  And together, with Their power we can build the kingdom for Their glorious return!

In closing, I'd like to post a link here to one of my favorite albums. The music has been coming to my mind continually because the themes are honestly perfect and I know so many of them to be true. I am very grateful for the lessons I have been taught and I pray that they can inspire all of us.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1eE330FiAM

The Forever Turning

Yesterday I had the privilege to talk to a friend I haven't seen in many years. As we talked about life and how things were and our friendship, etc. in addition to our many inspirational reflections and remembrances, he apologized for something done to hurt me so very long ago. I was deeply touched and, although I was grateful for his apology and honesty which took a lot of courage, I also felt so much for him. Although we never had any sort of falling out when that happened, continued being good friends and both grew up and changed for the better, he still carried around this burden of shame for having hurt me.

My heart went out to him. The anger and hurt I had experienced had long since passed and all I felt for him at this moment was compassion and some sadness that his soul had ached with this sorrow for over a decade. And that this was not the only one. He told me how much he deeply regrets so many things of the past and, though he's by no means religious, he's been trying so much to change, such that, if any deity does exist, that that God could be proud of him.

I pleaded with my friend to know that he can let go of those things because of the atonement. I told him about the infinite sacrifice of the Savior who loves my friend so much that he suffered inexplicable pain--all that my friend has suffered and all the pain I may have suffered regarding it, and everything everyone else has suffered. And not only does that make up for any sort of metaphysical heavenly indebtedness that my friend could never, on his own, repay, that there is a power in that sacrifice which can be imbued in us whereby we might find strength to everyday do better and feel a peace that we don't have to carry around our burdens anymore.

Jesus explained it like this: "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light."

So that he knows how real this power is, today I realize that there are a few things more I wanted to share with my friend.

A story is told about a man named Alma. Alma's father was a leader in the church and community. But, for whatever reason, Alma didn't like that. He didn't like the church so much that he went about intending to get people to leave and creating a ruckus in the community. Perhaps he was like that of the prodigal's son who, as is described, spent his days in "riotous living."

After a dramatic series of events, Alma came to the realization that he he had done a lot of things wrong and, worse yet, that he had hurt a lot of people.

From that point forward, this is his story as related to his son, in his own words:

"I was racked with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins.
"Yea, I did remember all my sins and iniquities, for which I was tormented with the pains of hell; yea, I saw that I had rebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments.
"Yea, I had murdered many of his children, or rather led them away unto destruction; yea, and in fine so great had been my iniquities, that the very thought of coming into the presence of my God did rack my soul with inexpressible horror.
" Oh, thought I, that I could be banished and become extinct both soul and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the presence of my God to be judged of my deeds.
" And now, for three days and for three nights was I racked, even with the pains of a damned soul.
"And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.
"Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart; O Jesus, thou Son of god, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.
"And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.
"And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!
"Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy."

This really happened. I know it did and I experience something similar (although less dramatic) in my own life. Every time I come unto God with sincerity, trying to do better.

I believe that, although Alma came to this realization because he remembered what his father said about Jesus, and because the experiences I have had are mainly do with my understanding of Jesus, that a similar process can happen even to those who may not believe in or have never even heard of Jesus. But to those who believe that there is hope for the future. I do know that it is possible only because of Jesus. And that power is available to all. It may not happen quickly or immediately. And we each come to terms with our own lives in our own way. But as we humbly come to realize that we need something beyond our own limited mortal capacities to rectify the past and to aid us in the future, a Savior, if you will, we will find that power.

This power can be called many things. Today I'd like to call it grace and just touch briefly on some of the thoughts I've had about it recently.

Without getting into too much detail about the historical theological debate between Christians regarding the role of grace v. works, I'd like to touch upon an analogy that Jesus makes about how we can be recipients of this power.

He teaches in the fifteenth chapter of John:

"I am the vine, ye are the branches; He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.
"If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned.
"If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you.
"Herein is my father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye be my disciples.
"As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love."

To me this passage is beautiful because it describes the manner in which we can receive the Savior's power, this grace, as a relationship. It's no longer and idea of "am I good enough?" "Did I work hard enough?" "What if I didn't go to church or cursed or lied or said mean things to my ex-boyfriend, am I doomed forever, etc?"

The notions of the immutable tally of good or bad, of law and justice, of righteous (or self-righteous) achievement go right out the window.

Now that isn't to say that there isn't right or wrong, good and and bad, law and justice, etc. Of course if we lied or hurt someone there will be consequences. But the receipt of heavenly power is not contingent on our capacity to be righteous (which we possess so little of on our own) but instead of where we are in our relationship to Christ. He says things like "abide in me," "continue in my love" etc. When we're trying to love others and we mess up are we still "abiding" and "continuing" to spread the love he has shown to us? Or do we, upset at ourselves and our fallible nature, give up and shamefully separate ourselves from him and isolate ourselves from others? (I know that's what I do.)

So what does it mean to "abide?" It means to stay. In one sense of the word, it's like the dramatic movie scene where someone (in this case us, the broken ones) gets shot in the chest, blood everywhere, and his best friend beside him holds his hand with one hand and with the other fatefully attempts to hold in the wound. What is he saying as the hurt friend drifts in and out of consciousness waiting for the ambulance to arrive? "Stay with me. Stay with me. I'm here. You will get through this. Stay with me."

The Savior knows we can heal, not only because he is the healer (better than any emergency room trauma surgeon) but also because he, during his suffering at Gethsemane and on the cross had also been wounded much more dramatically. He offered himself as a suffering, descended below all pain, sin, sickness and hardship, and overcame all. He triumphantly rose on the third day. We will be as well. He knows how to heal us.

Lastly, the Savior teaches further on in the chapter "If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love." It seems like a catch 22. We are fallible, cannot keep the commandments and that is why we need his grace. But in order to obtain that power we need to keep his commandments. It's because he knows that with him we can achieve more. In the cycle of our human-ness, we falter and need a Savior, he lifts us up as he did for Alma, we do well and then falter again. "As oft as they repent, they were forgiven" the scriptures say. It's a cycle. A continual turning. An abiding.

So today I urge you to look up to that higher power in humility. Come unto him and open up your whole soul, believing you will be received. You will find that peace, I know you will. You will find that power. He laid down his life for you, for his friends. "I stand at the door and knock. Whosoever will open I will come unto him and sup with him, and he with me."