I hope this post will help some of you out there, because I'm opening myself up to a lot of vulnerability right now. (But what a better way to do that than a public forum like the internet, eh? #dirtylaundry.)

We're takin' it back now, ya'll (two hops this time).

Sooo, when I was twelve years old, after really coming to terms with the shambles that was my dysfunctional family, I prayed really, really hard that I could possibly have a family of my own unlike the one that I had then. That it could be a happy family. That we wouldn't fight all the time and hurt one another. That my children would actually want to come home from school unlike me at the time. There are so many good, intelligent, fun, beautiful people in my family so it confused me so much as to why we couldn't just "make it work." (I would like to point out that I believe each member of my immediate family has worked really hard on our emotional issues and we actually really get along really well with a lot of love, so we pretty much now are the happy family I have always wanted.)

So ever since then the Lord has been teaching me, little by little. He taught me how to have friends (and how to be a friend). He brought me to people young and old who show me that they genuinely care about me. He showed me the relationships of other people. I went to counseling. (LOTS of counseling). I took classes. I read scriptures, repented of my own baggage and forgave others of their part in it and deepened my relationship with the Savior who healed me from so many things.

One of the most profound pieces of advice from my mission president (the best possible man for the job for development, imho) was to be 'emotionally self-reliant.' I have strived for that ideal.

A mission, a bachelor's degree, multiple moves and two fiancées later, I still believe that my dream of a happy family is a possibility and I am now well-equipped to do it.

That's the preface of my story:

For the past two years I have worked at a developmental disabilities agency. It was a great job in a lot of ways and I loved working with the people. As the years went by I realized I was falling further and further behind in my paperwork with little capacity to catch up. I went through another bout of depression after my last break-up wherein I was barely getting by and I was just trying every day to keep going.

On the way home from work one day I passed by the place where I used to go to counseling. (I traveled a lot for work so it was exceptionally rare I took this particular route to get home.) I realized that it had gotten so bad that if I didn't talk to somebody I might do something I regretted, so I just pulled into the parking lot and walked in. I asked the receptionist (who knew me and was happy to see me) if Royce was available wherein she said he only worked in the morning. She asked me if I was okay at which point I began sobbing and said "no." She said she would go see if someone else was available. She came back and said that Dale would see me in a few minutes.

Dale was what I imagined Santa Clause looking like without the beard. Round, red-faced, jovial. He told a joke at every turn. I was skeptical about this particular visit because I had been to counseling so many times. I wondered if there was something like really wrong with me. Instead of the things I was used to hearing, he came from a completely different approach. He said 'how long has it been since you've been to the doctor?' (Like, many years.) He said that perhaps there was something physical to what was going on. If I gained seventy pounds in the past six months, that was likely. Perhaps there was a thyroid issue or something. In addition to recommending the prospect of psychiatric medication (and he really must have been speaking by the Spirit to ever even get me to consider such), he committed me (pun intended) to go to the doctor and get all my levels checked out.

I prayed a lot and looked around to find a really good doctor because I didn't just trust anybody. I must say that I really appreciated getting Dr. Parker. He listened to me empathetically. I told him what I thought might be going on and my fears. I told him my various theories about medication (having studied psychology, I had lots of theories). He told me a story about how there was a time where he needed an anti-depressant to help him get by. No stigma, just a support as he tried to figure stuff out during his last years of school with a blooming family. This softened me up a little bit and I started taking an anti-depressant.

We ran some tests. My test for diabetes came back normal so he tested me for insulin resistance. They said the glycogen would be the worst. And it wasn't delicious but I had eaten things more disgusting in my lifetime. No. The worst thing was fainting in the doctor's office. Twice! I had to work really hard to figure out how I was going to get home because they said I couldn't drive. I told the nurse I needed to find more friends who didn't work during the daytime.

It seemed like I slept on the doctor's table for hours. I cancelled my appointments for the next few days to recover. I didn't feel like eating anything for a long while. I was miserable.

The doctor basically told me I had the worst case of insulin resistance (one in 900 people have that reaction to the test) and if we didn't take drastic measures I would very likely develop diabetes.

This was pretty much the last straw. I didn't want to be at my job anymore. I didn't want to be depressed anymore. Or on medication or anything. I wanted someone to fix me. I wanted to be healed.

I prayed "I know this sounds really silly, Heavenly Father, and I'm almost a little ashamed to asked because I'm SUPPOSED to be a big adult person now, and I've been trying to be responsible. But if it's at all possible, could you please send a miracle person to come and heal me? Like, I don't expect a 'laying on of hands type thing' because I know there are things I can learn from this about how to take better care of myself. But I mean a person who can take care of me for a short period while I'm figuring things out. Despite the fact I love cooking I can't even feed myself properly because I am so depressed about everything and having such a terrible time."

Well, miracles happen, I know it because the next day my cousin (one of my bestest, most trusted confidants) called me and said she was coming to visit. She didn't really know about any of the medical stuff. The next day I quit my job. I gave thirty days notice. I knew I had to. It was going to likely kill me because I just couldn't do it anymore. That was the first step to my getting freedom.

My cousin took care of me. She stayed for ten days. She cooked for me. She listened to me. She asked me the tough questions that caused me to sob and clean out the hurting and the aching. She helped me let go of the grief of the many unfulfilled dreams and prepared me for times ahead.

I got a call from another friend of mine who gave me a free ticket for a (perhaps six hundred dollar, not sure exactly how much) seminar called The Ultimate Money Mindset put on by the spouse of an old friend of mine whom I hadn't talked to in ages. There I learned more about my value and my capacity and the call I have from Heavenly Father to build the Kingdom of Zion and to trust Him in doing it. There I cleaned out even more junk I had, even anger at God for not yet giving me the desire I had of getting married, even to some of the really good men I had met and by whom I had been rejected (even though some of them said it wasn't rejection, lol). I learned a lot about not being a victim and taking accountability for my own life and understanding that I could create anything I wanted regardless of my circumstances. Not only did I believe these things then, but I have seen them transforming every aspect of myself.

I put myself to work and for the last three months I have changed jobs, moved, started my own business and just worked and learned and grew everyday. I realized how I need to take charge of myself and what emotional self-reliance really is. I learned a lot about my emotional blocks and how to clear them out. I've been given everything I've ever asked for. Even so much that I've started working on my physical body. Something I'd dreaded for a long while. I am running every day. I am eating healthy and am actually enjoying it. I am probably working harder than I had in the past six years. I still experienced a lot of blocks and wondered what was going on.

I realized one of the blocks I had. Before I started dating my (ahem, it's so funny to say this) First ex-fiancée, I had been living a really good life. I had saved up all my money for my mission . I was working three jobs, two of them being my own businesses. And I was going to school fulltime. I had lost fifty pounds. I had done a lot of changes in preparation for having a good future. I realized that a part of me believed that if that woman, the best one I could be wasn't good enough for my ex-fiancée, then there really wasn't any point in trying. So I hadn't been trying as hard as I honestly could.

Well that was that! Done living in wallowing! I was going to take control again. Then I learned about how, sometimes in order to raise your vibration, (yea there are emotional roots stopping you) sometimes you just have to DO what is scaring you regardless of the block. Live as if you're already past the block and you'll get past it. Otherwise you will continue to get stopped in your tracks and keep coming back to that dark, dark place.

That's where I was this morning. I have recently experienced hurt in my relationships for reasons I don't understand. So many of my close friends are angry with me and I'm not sure why. I don't know how to fix it. I was crying a lot to Heavenly Father. "I don't wanna move forward because I cannot let go of this anger and sadness that so many of my friends aren't speaking to me. It hurts and it seems like if they choose to be angry then there is nothing I can do to fix it. And I feel so powerless." (Going back to victim mode.)

At that very moment my friend Alex called me. His spidey-sense was tingling and he knew that something was wrong. He told me "this isn't you, Sarah. This isn't the amazing, dynamic person that I know." I replied "I know, but I know that I feel so paralyzed." I told him about how in my whole life all I wanted to do was get married. I tell people that they need to trust even though they've been hurt before, and that no matter what happens, the Lord will heal them. But right now I feel like I don't even want to get married. There is no purpose in it. I can't trust anybody anymore. I have lost so many of my closest, dearest, most beloved friends. Friends with whom I have allowed myself to be vulnerable. Friends that I have trusted. That the Lord placed in my path and have been a valuable part of my healing. Friends that I have hurt on accident and they have done the same things as those people in the past--got angry, stopped talking and just walked away."

He straight up asked me the following question: "now, why, after all you've been through, and after all the things that could possibly happen, would you be attacked in this particular way--this place that is your strength? So much so that you would give up on this fundamental dream you have never once, even after two broken engagements and so many heartaches given up on?"

I said the first thing that popped into my head. The most obvious thing to me. It all made sense after that. "It's because I am so close." I knew it was true. I'm not even dating anybody, but I can feel it in my bones. I am closer than I've ever been to meeting the man who is not going to leave me. Who will love me with all my drama. Who will trust that I am capable. That when I'm down I'm going to get myself back up. That I'm listening to my Heavenly Father who is helping me to follow His plan and live through His Spirit. And that when we figure out what we need to do together, nothing is stopping us.

Understanding that piece was my key to moving forward. When we hear truth and it's spoken through the power of the Spirit--through angelic messengers both seen and unseen, it changes us. It reminds us of who we are and of greater things that lie ahead. It gives us hope for the future, motivation to keep going and direction of where to go. I knew that I needed to do what I've always done--trust those people whom I love to the Lord, pray that their hearts will be softened and their anger dissipated, thank them for playing this role in my life that has taught me, and then let them go to God  and keep moving forward, trusting that He will lead me to do what I need to do to keep going.

I say these things because I want to encourage all of you. Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother have a plan for each of us. Your value is so incredible, you have scarcely a faint idea. You have a specific piece to play in this wonderful creation which is bringing us back to Them. And, because of the atonement of Jesus Christ, we can play those roles incredibly beautifully, even with our failings and mistakes. Get over your anger. Don't give up hope in your relationships. Love your fellow beings and work towards building up the Kingdom. Don't be afraid to do it and when you face obstacles, don't take that as a sign that you shouldn't continue or that you're crazy. Take it to God. Know how to listen to His Spirit and trust in the things that lead to higher vistas. God's power is much bigger than you think. There are no limitations. You can do it faster and easier than you imagine. Do you have negative emotions, including towards yourself, towards others, or even about some idea? False beliefs? Let the Savior heal them so you can continue creating the things you want in your life. There's no reason you can't do it. If there's something in your life you're not liking--your money, your health, your work situation, whatever, you can fix it. You are the child of Creators of Infinity.  And together, with Their power we can build the kingdom for Their glorious return!

In closing, I'd like to post a link here to one of my favorite albums. The music has been coming to my mind continually because the themes are honestly perfect and I know so many of them to be true. I am very grateful for the lessons I have been taught and I pray that they can inspire all of us.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1eE330FiAM

The Forever Turning

Yesterday I had the privilege to talk to a friend I haven't seen in many years. As we talked about life and how things were and our friendship, etc. in addition to our many inspirational reflections and remembrances, he apologized for something done to hurt me so very long ago. I was deeply touched and, although I was grateful for his apology and honesty which took a lot of courage, I also felt so much for him. Although we never had any sort of falling out when that happened, continued being good friends and both grew up and changed for the better, he still carried around this burden of shame for having hurt me.

My heart went out to him. The anger and hurt I had experienced had long since passed and all I felt for him at this moment was compassion and some sadness that his soul had ached with this sorrow for over a decade. And that this was not the only one. He told me how much he deeply regrets so many things of the past and, though he's by no means religious, he's been trying so much to change, such that, if any deity does exist, that that God could be proud of him.

I pleaded with my friend to know that he can let go of those things because of the atonement. I told him about the infinite sacrifice of the Savior who loves my friend so much that he suffered inexplicable pain--all that my friend has suffered and all the pain I may have suffered regarding it, and everything everyone else has suffered. And not only does that make up for any sort of metaphysical heavenly indebtedness that my friend could never, on his own, repay, that there is a power in that sacrifice which can be imbued in us whereby we might find strength to everyday do better and feel a peace that we don't have to carry around our burdens anymore.

Jesus explained it like this: "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light."

So that he knows how real this power is, today I realize that there are a few things more I wanted to share with my friend.

A story is told about a man named Alma. Alma's father was a leader in the church and community. But, for whatever reason, Alma didn't like that. He didn't like the church so much that he went about intending to get people to leave and creating a ruckus in the community. Perhaps he was like that of the prodigal's son who, as is described, spent his days in "riotous living."

After a dramatic series of events, Alma came to the realization that he he had done a lot of things wrong and, worse yet, that he had hurt a lot of people.

From that point forward, this is his story as related to his son, in his own words:

"I was racked with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins.
"Yea, I did remember all my sins and iniquities, for which I was tormented with the pains of hell; yea, I saw that I had rebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments.
"Yea, I had murdered many of his children, or rather led them away unto destruction; yea, and in fine so great had been my iniquities, that the very thought of coming into the presence of my God did rack my soul with inexpressible horror.
" Oh, thought I, that I could be banished and become extinct both soul and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the presence of my God to be judged of my deeds.
" And now, for three days and for three nights was I racked, even with the pains of a damned soul.
"And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.
"Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart; O Jesus, thou Son of god, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.
"And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.
"And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!
"Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy."

This really happened. I know it did and I experience something similar (although less dramatic) in my own life. Every time I come unto God with sincerity, trying to do better.

I believe that, although Alma came to this realization because he remembered what his father said about Jesus, and because the experiences I have had are mainly do with my understanding of Jesus, that a similar process can happen even to those who may not believe in or have never even heard of Jesus. But to those who believe that there is hope for the future. I do know that it is possible only because of Jesus. And that power is available to all. It may not happen quickly or immediately. And we each come to terms with our own lives in our own way. But as we humbly come to realize that we need something beyond our own limited mortal capacities to rectify the past and to aid us in the future, a Savior, if you will, we will find that power.

This power can be called many things. Today I'd like to call it grace and just touch briefly on some of the thoughts I've had about it recently.

Without getting into too much detail about the historical theological debate between Christians regarding the role of grace v. works, I'd like to touch upon an analogy that Jesus makes about how we can be recipients of this power.

He teaches in the fifteenth chapter of John:

"I am the vine, ye are the branches; He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.
"If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned.
"If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you.
"Herein is my father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye be my disciples.
"As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love."

To me this passage is beautiful because it describes the manner in which we can receive the Savior's power, this grace, as a relationship. It's no longer and idea of "am I good enough?" "Did I work hard enough?" "What if I didn't go to church or cursed or lied or said mean things to my ex-boyfriend, am I doomed forever, etc?"

The notions of the immutable tally of good or bad, of law and justice, of righteous (or self-righteous) achievement go right out the window.

Now that isn't to say that there isn't right or wrong, good and and bad, law and justice, etc. Of course if we lied or hurt someone there will be consequences. But the receipt of heavenly power is not contingent on our capacity to be righteous (which we possess so little of on our own) but instead of where we are in our relationship to Christ. He says things like "abide in me," "continue in my love" etc. When we're trying to love others and we mess up are we still "abiding" and "continuing" to spread the love he has shown to us? Or do we, upset at ourselves and our fallible nature, give up and shamefully separate ourselves from him and isolate ourselves from others? (I know that's what I do.)

So what does it mean to "abide?" It means to stay. In one sense of the word, it's like the dramatic movie scene where someone (in this case us, the broken ones) gets shot in the chest, blood everywhere, and his best friend beside him holds his hand with one hand and with the other fatefully attempts to hold in the wound. What is he saying as the hurt friend drifts in and out of consciousness waiting for the ambulance to arrive? "Stay with me. Stay with me. I'm here. You will get through this. Stay with me."

The Savior knows we can heal, not only because he is the healer (better than any emergency room trauma surgeon) but also because he, during his suffering at Gethsemane and on the cross had also been wounded much more dramatically. He offered himself as a suffering, descended below all pain, sin, sickness and hardship, and overcame all. He triumphantly rose on the third day. We will be as well. He knows how to heal us.

Lastly, the Savior teaches further on in the chapter "If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love." It seems like a catch 22. We are fallible, cannot keep the commandments and that is why we need his grace. But in order to obtain that power we need to keep his commandments. It's because he knows that with him we can achieve more. In the cycle of our human-ness, we falter and need a Savior, he lifts us up as he did for Alma, we do well and then falter again. "As oft as they repent, they were forgiven" the scriptures say. It's a cycle. A continual turning. An abiding.

So today I urge you to look up to that higher power in humility. Come unto him and open up your whole soul, believing you will be received. You will find that peace, I know you will. You will find that power. He laid down his life for you, for his friends. "I stand at the door and knock. Whosoever will open I will come unto him and sup with him, and he with me."

My Secret Depression

I watched this video recently on the internet regarding depression and suicide. I balled. Although I'm an emotional person, most internet videos don't make me cry like that. Like the 'heaving-sobbing-I-e can-barely-breathe-cry.' It's not just because it's sad and it's a sad story that we need to talk about. It's because I know how Mr. Smith feels. When he was twenty, he says his depression sort of 'collapsed' on him. "I felt like I was drowning." "I didn't know how to explain what was happening to me. And when you're in that, when you're in the thick of it, it really just feels that you're the only one." He goes on to describe then the time he attempted suicide.

So, before everyone starts worrying about me, in my adult life I have never attempted suicide. It's not something I plan to do. I remember before I was a teenager I contemplated it. I was going to jump out of our two-story bathroom window. Looking back, I realize that, while I probably would have been pretty hurt, there's little chance I would have actually died. But, that isn't the point. I really didn't even want to die anyway. I just didn't want to be there. Or really, be at all. It's like all I saw was the negative, the hurt, the pain. I felt like nobody loved me. I knew my mother loved me, but at the time I felt like it was more out of obligation (which, of course isn't really love). It was that day, however, that I experienced for myself what I had already known--the love of God encircling me--telling me He was real and He was there and that it would be okay.

Since that time for many years I had been a pretty happy person. I saw changes in my life that were miraculous and I wanted to make a difference. It wasn't all ups. I went to counseling for a lot of years, struggled with challenges socially, academically and emotionally. But I understood that those things are part  of life and that I could learn and grow from them. I had a lot of faith.

Ever since I went on my mission, however (which in many ways had been one giant traumatic experience) things have just been getting a lot harder. I realized how little control I had over a lot of things. Regardless of my faith and efforts, so many people rejected our message. Many of my companions struggled with depression and crippling thoughts that, although I had a deep and abiding love for them, and understood a lot of what they were going through, I could not fix. I saw broken homes and broken hearts. It hurt me to the core.

I didn't understand. If God could heal me and it happened so powerfully and it was so true, what about these other people? While I learned a lot of lessons about faith on my mission, in a lot of ways, I think I started losing hope--too much ambiguity--too many things I didn't understand.

My biggest dream was to get married. About the same time as my that suicidal experience, I pleaded and pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me have a happy family. I believed that with God all things are possible. I knew He could make things change, and I was willing to do whatever it took to learn and implement the skills so my present and future family could love one another. I've been growing and changing and learning those skills ever since, and so many time, I think 'yes, I believe a happy family is possible. I believe I can do this.'

Since my mission I've been through two broken engagements, despite having had the faith and hope that everything would work out. Despite putting my whole heart into it. Despite believing I could have a happy family. While I don't really have any romantic feelings toward either of those guys anymore, I still grieve the loss (again) of my dream of having a family. I think I grieve things I don't even understand. Despite the gratitude I have for not having been trapped in those marriages, despite the tremendous lessons I've learned, despite my love for the gospel, I'm afraid I'm being hurled into another bout of depression. I use the passive voice because I feel like it's something that's happening to me. Something I can't control.

It makes me not myself. I love people. I love life. But depression makes me not want to talk to anybody. It makes me feel like a burden. It makes me feel unloved and alone. I think it's a cover for a lot of anger that I don't want to have and I don't like expressing, so I just shut it down.

These are the reasons I don't talk about depression. Why I don't want people know. But I thought it was important to share because I don't want to end up like the guy on the video. I don't want to isolate myself. I need a support system. I need the love that I know people have for me.

1. I don't want to admit that I have it. If I tell people I have depression, I become a diagnosis. I become a statistic. I become something that people might try to research. I'm fragile. Saying that I'm again getting depression also means that I didn't 'beat it' the first time. Despite what some people say, I don't believe I will always struggle with this so.

2. I feel like I'm making it up, or at least that other people might think that. Some days it's hard to go to work. My job is pretty flexible in that I make my own schedule. I have two sides to my job--appointments and paperwork. I never cancel my appointments, even when I'm feeling terrible. But I often put off the paperwork for another day because my brain tells me I can't do it, or my heart tells me I need to run away. This makes me feel lazy and guilty and maybe nothing is wrong with me but I'm just using it as an excuse. As a child I used to run away and that was the only time I remember my brothers reaching out to me with carino. (Don't know how to translate that one, but I guess we could say 'tenderness.') There were a couple other times, but only when I was in deep distress. So I ask myself 'am I making this up?' 'Do I just want attention?'

3. It makes me feel ungrateful. My life is exceptionally blessed and in many ways privileged. I have been led and guided by the Lord in so many ways. I know He is always there for me. I have a ton of good friends and family--people I know who really care for me. I have a great job, with exceptional co-workers and an amazing boss. There is really nothing to complain about. I see miracles and receive beautiful insights every day. So why the depression? When upon life's billows, why can't I just count my many blessings? I wish I knew the answer to that question, but it's so hard to explain. It's like, when I'm in my 'depressed mode' I have this cover over me that makes it so I can't see anything. If I try to count my blessings during depression, then I just beat myself up that it doesn't help me feel better. If I really were grateful then all of God's love would be enough. But I'm not so I'm a terrible person.

4. I'm scared/prideful. Honestly, for much of my life I have felt second-class compared to the rest of my family. Practically everyone besides me is married with beautiful children. While they all have their struggles, it doesn't seem like the difficulties of our childhood really affect them. Or, in ways that I know it has, they've been able to overcome. Why not me? I'm almost the youngest, and I think that everyone has always believed there is something 'wrong' with me. It took me over a month to admit to my family that my last fiancee and I weren't getting married (although that was stupid because I'm sure they probably knew). What's tough is that I don't think these feelings are completely unwarranted. When I finally did announce this, I heard a comment made about somebody having 'won the bet'--like they were taking a tally as to how long this engagement would last, or if it would ever come to fruition. Although I probably shouldn't worry so much about what other people think, it's hard to reach out to people when I'm not one hundred percent sure if they would hurt me.

5. I don't want people to doubt my testimony. I know the church is true. I know that God is real with all my heart. Knowing that He has a plan of happiness sounds kind of contradictory to struggling with a condition that literally can keep you from being happy. I've never had cancer or some debilitating illness, but I know people who have that have found, through the love of God, strength and genuine happiness and peace even through it. So depression makes me feel somehow like I'm doing it wrong, and that if somebody knew, they would call Bolshevik faster than in the card game. The reality is that, even though I hate dealing with it, struggling with depression has helped me learn more about my Savior and the love that God has for me. It's like He wants to stretch me and see that I power to do more on my own (I'm living on my own, paying my own bills, working at a job for big-adulty people--things I have never imagined). He wants to teach me that I don't need to depend on somebody. But when it comes down to the hardest moments, He reminds me that He is always there...usually through uncanny timing of sending somebody else, or a little miracle of something amazing that is just for me. I suppose because I honestly do believe that healing is real and God has the power to make it happen now, admitting that I have depression seems like I didn't have faith enough.

6. It makes me feel all sorts of guilty. I love the song "Glorious" (I believe originally written by Stephanie Mabey and most recently covered and publicized by David Archuleta). It speaks about feeling aimless but that there is a wonderful part and work for all of us in the beauty of our lives. I believe this. In fact, I know this is true. I have seen things, even through the darkest times on my mission and otherwise where God put me in a particular place to do a particular work. I feel like I have a lot to offer. But depression hinders that. I would rather be doing my work, or spending time with friends, or reading a good book instead of laying on the couch crying and eating cookies. (Although we usually don't have cookies, so I'm crying about whatever my depression is, and also lamenting the fact that we don't have any cookies.) Many days, despite my undefined feelings, I eventually get up and get going. I know that it will always help me feel better. But there are some times when I literally. Just. Can't. I don't know why. Not enough will power? Perhaps I'm just lazy. I know I can be contributing more. I have deep and sincere desires to love and to give. I don't feel like I'm doing enough.

7. I don't understand it. The times I do try to reach out to people, they will usually ask me 'well what's going on?' And on my hardest days, the answer usually is 'I have no idea.' In times past, I have learned a lot from my depression. For those of you who know me, you'll know I'm a very analytic person. I can easily gain understanding, insight and meaning from things going on. I see the symbolic representation of things.

But these feelings I've been experiencing recently seem to be coming out of nowhere. They're nebulous. I don't know how to conceptualize them. How to pinpoint the problem. I've already battled so many of my demons and learned so much from it that for all that knowledge and all those tools not to be working makes me feel defeated. Why is this happening? I said earlier that I'm grieving the loss of a potential family (again) but I only say that because of the timing. But the feelings I'm feeling are not the same as the first time--the thoughts are not the same. They're so much more nebulous--like it's just sadness. It's just anger. It's just defeat. I have some images or memories that I might connect things too, but when I do it almost feels like I'm grasping at straws to kind of come up with the 'why' answer. None of it feels right. Either I'm making all of this up, or the root of my depression is somewhere deep, deep down inside of me that I cannot see and I never knew was there. And, despite my efforts, it doesn't seem to want to be coming out any time soon.

8. I feel like it will keep me from getting married. While I know in a lot of ways I'm a good catch, I'm smart. Funny. Compassionate. Loving. I'm an excellent cook. I know how to have lots of fun and make people happy. I love serving. Despite these qualities, however, I honestly believe that my depression will keep me from getting married. And that can be pretty depressing. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. For one thing, it's not fair to put somebody through that. Secondly, I think there's this big part of me that just wants somebody to take care of me because I'm struggling to do it by myself. I don't think that that's what marriage is really about. (Yes, marriage is about taking care of one another--but it's about both people contributing 100%.) Not to mention the fact that both of my fiancees broke up with me from what I feel is due to depression. I used to believe that as long as I kept working at it and trying my best that this didn't have to keep me from getting married and having a happy family, but having seen more of the realities of a relationship with depression, I'm not sure if I still believe that's possible. Or if it's something that I even want. I want someone to love me forever and unconditionally. Does that include if I want to run away and stop living? That's not fair to anyone.

I don't think I'm giving up on marriage in general. I still want it really bad. But the idea of some wonderful person seeing me for who I really am truly caring abut me and then my issues get in the way of that...well, I will feel like it's all my fault. And I don't know if I can go through that again and come out unscathed.

9. I know other people have gone through worse. While for me, my depression and my two broken engagements have been pretty debilitating, I know people who have been abused systematically (emotionally, physically, etc) since childhood, who have been through divorce and miscarriage and attempted murders, and drug-addicted parents, etc. Those people have worked hard. So many have overcome their struggles and achieved their dreams. Even though I know that those people, as my real friends, are there for me and love me and don't judge me, it hurts me to turn to them (probably the only ones who I could really turn to) because I don't want to complain or be a burden, and because I secretly feel stupid. Why can't I get it like they can? I don't deserve to be in their presence.

10. I know it isn't true so I should be better by now. Perhaps the hardest part of my depression is the cognitive dissonance. I have thoughts like "I'm not important" or "Nobody loves me" which I know are not true. But just because they're not true doesn't mean they're not real. I try hard to fight them. I cast out the adversary. I pray. I read my scriptures. I write the truths in my journal. I try to summon the energy to fight. Sometimes it goes away. Sometimes it doesn't and I have to try to do something else. Distraction helps stop the thoughts--like spending a lot of time on facebook where I don't have to think of anything. I know it's just pretend,though. I suppose a part of me does really believe these things or it would be easier to just shut it off.

In some ways, though I know how to fix it. Just go to the gym. Just go for a walk. It doesn't always work, though. Do you know I've cried through an ENTIRE gym session? I don't feel like I get a lot accomplished.

11. I hate people telling me I should get on medication. There are a lot of reasons (philosophical and otherwise) why I don't want to take anti-depressants. Even if we did know (we cannot empirically) that there is a chemical imbalance in my particular brain, we assume that it is a physical cause, even in the wake of the effect that trauma and stress have on physical, hormonal and chemical processes. That doesn't mean that I don't think anyone shouldn't take them in general. Perhaps each person needs to make the choice for themselves. But it seems to me that many people just think you can pop a pill and it will all go away. I don't think so. There is a lot of emotional/cognitive work for anybody that's struggling with depression. Perhaps I should be taking medicine and it will make it all better and I'm just a stubborn bull for thinking not to. But either way, I don't want to, I'm not going to and you can't make me. I know of some counselors who refuse to work with people unless they will take medication. I don't trust that people I might turn to for this won't think the same thing.

Of God, Dentists and Moral Relativism, Part 1

                Recently I have had some pretty interesting and eye opening discussions about my beliefs and religion with people. I am writing this blog to first (in part 1) discuss lessons I have learned from them and secondly (part two) to better try and answer some questions that have been posed to me.

While I regret to admit my own weakness, I am deeply indebted to my friends for teaching me a valuable lesson. It’s obvious now that I fell into a common ‘know-it-all’ trap upon first discussing these things. Although no philosopher or scientist has ever been able to do it before, of course I, Sarah, the sultan of scripture, the colossus of canon, the great bible-bino, felt that somehow, with a flick of the wrist on my typing keys, could single-handedly turn the atheists in the world to God-loving church-goers. Well, I didn’t really think that—at least, not consciously, but sometimes when my intentions are good, I get caught up in the moment—in one argument after another—in proving that I’m always right.  Then, before I know it, my entire point in the first place is long gone and I don’t even remember what is was, let alone where it went. Humility is really the key to any discussion or human interaction, especially of this type.

My friend pointed this out to me. He wrote the following: “Your faith is subjective. That’s the nature of faith! It’s ineffable. No matter how powerful your convictions and beliefs, you can't truly convince someone to believe in what you believe without them coming to it themselves. You can talk about what your faith does for you, and how you came to it, but I believe that once you start trying to pitch battle on the warfront of logic and reasoning, you've lost.”

And he is absolutely right. I’m really grateful that he stepped in because if he hadn’t, I’d probably be really upset right now for no reason—realizing I messed up somewhere, but not knowing where.

                So where did I go wrong exactly? I served a mission and taught this stuff to people every day. I already knew that contention and argument just leaves me and my companion literally crying out on a street corner in the rain about how mean those people were and I how powerless I felt to stop them. (Oh, it was a terrible story—my beautiful, caring, awe-inspiring mission companion was Dominican black and right in front of her, a pastor from another church and his follower had the audacity to say that my church thinks black people are not as virtuous as white people. They were venomous).

But looking back, I think it is experiences like that that actually stem this kind of contentious behavior in me now. I'm tired of getting hurt. I'm tired of being vulnerable. I realize now that so many times I have been put on the defensive about my religion. Ignorance, anger and ill-will on the part of the critic combine to make a perfect storm of not just the general ‘how can anybody believe in God?’ kind of stuff that many Christians receive, but the ‘Mormons are (insert degrading, unfounded insult-followed-by-expletive) here.’  Perhaps now that I’m 27 years old and my peers’ pre-frontal cortices are more fully developed, I shouldn’t feel like I have to worry about that kind of stuff. But it seems like every question is laced and loaded with an attitude of ‘don’t bother trying to explain, because there’s no way you are possibly right about this.’

When even some of your dearest friends reenact scenes of Joseph Smith as a drunkard (despite there being no historic evidence to back that up), take quotes from religious leaders SIGNIFICANTLY out of context, and try to TELL you what you believe, is it no wonder I get defensive. Even today in the modern era, people think it’s okay to not just make fun of the seemingly odd cultural norms of white Mormons in Utah, (and yes, we are sometimes hilarious and peculiar) but to openly mock, ridicule and lie about the most sacred aspects of my belief system.  I’m getting upset right now just writing this.

But I need to let this go. I need to forgive. Holding onto these wounds skews my perception of today’s sincere inquirer, and the defense braces me for further hurt and ultimate spiritual defeat. I suppose since I’m probably not the only one who has had these experiences, I plead with you to do the same—let it go. That isn’t because we Christians are supposed to self-righteously and piously not think ill of the slime beneath us (please know I’m being facetious). That isn’t because our hurts aren’t valid. And although it’s an important point, neither would I say that it’s just because that is what God commanded us to do. But because a)since we claim to know that God heals us from these difficult wounds, why wouldn’t we take advantage of that miraculous power and b) if we don’t, we won’t be capable of discussing these things with both the composure and conviction that we need to make any semblance of sense or impact we desire. (This is due in part to the fact that we’re not practicing what we preach, and mainly because it is only the power of the Holy Ghost that can testify of the things we say to the hearts of the people.)

Even in midst of my struggle to overcome past wounds inflicted, this experience has given me a lot of hope. The people with whom I have been discussing things now are not like those people of my past. I have been impressed with both the sincerity of their questions and their respect and attitude towards me. I have opened myself up a little bit more, telling them of both my desires to answer their questions and my insecurities about doing so, and I have been truly humbled at their understanding. I used to think, not with the people themselves, but on the topic of religion specifically, that it was me against the world—no one could possibly understand and I had to keep my beliefs guarded. I also thought that people put up walls when they asked me questions about my religion, but now I realize it is I who has never taken the walls of the past down. This is, of course, because I forgot the most important part about religion—that life and love and faith are all risks. I need to hold fast to something that I believe, even though it is something I cannot see. This seems irrational to some, and probably it is, but it is the only way I can demonstrate that I really do have a conviction for something. If I feel, which I do, that God has asked me to be open with people about the things I believe (something that is very difficult for me) then I need to trust that He will help me and provide a way that I can do that. I believe that this experience (concluding with a PUBLIC APOLOGY to anyone with whom I’ve had an un-open or holier than thou attitude, an olive branch to those who have hurt me, and a sincere thank you to those people whom now I call even greater friends) has been a part of that way. 

The Epiphany of Sweetness and Innocence

        Tonight I went to my bishop's house to watch the fireworks display. All of his children and grandchildren were there (lots of people). I didn't really know anybody so I just sat there watching, both the fireworks and the people. To the right of me sat a little girl on the lap of her father. She was blissfully happy. "I think that one was my favorite firework, daddy." (After another goes off in splendor) "no, daddy, it was that one."
        I couldn't help but think to myself "how is this child so happy?" Or, perhaps more accurately "why am I no longer like this?" I have had struggles in my life, including depression, but I generally consider myself a pretty optimistic individual. I really love life and people and seeing the good in the world. But recently, I've just kind of had a very hard time.
      I think I fell into the trap--the trap of academia. The trap of jaded-ness. The trap of searching for the truth and sometimes finding more than you bargain for. The world is full of a lot of ugliness and yuckiness. People hurting other people, beliefs based on pessimistic and almost traumatic philosophies, etc. When I realized that not only was the world full of ugliness, but that I, even I, who have worked my whole life to live up to the truth, had bought into the lies of a hedonistic, objectivist, self-centered culture, and that nobody was even noticing it--well, I knew I had messed a lot of things up. I spiraled into a deep depression.
      And, in case you might think this wasn't a big deal, I could see how these difficulties were influencing my relationships with my friends in particular, and even with some family members, as well as my ability to handle schoolwork. In my last semester. I was drowning and didn't know what to do.
      Suffice it to say, I wasn't having a happy fourth of July.
      So I continued to think about this little girl. I realized something utterly important. She is able to be happy because she has a unfailing trust in her father. She doesn't need to know about what problems go on in the world or in school or anything like that because she trusts her father. He will take care of all those things for her. She doesn't have to kill spiders or watch her weight or hide from bad people because daddy is there. He will protect her.
       While I'm sure a little girl inside of me screams that I didn't always have that feeling of security in my life growing up, I am here now. I know that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me, whom I need to trust. That doesn't mean He wants me to be naive about the worlds problems, or that I need to run away from them. I feel like there are things I personally can do to help people to love them and be a support. Certainly my struggles have been a blessing to others with whom I could empathize. I know I believe that education is an important part of that. But if I, with lost hope, consumed with discouragement, sit in my room watching tv on the internet, trying to avoid the fear and sadness so furiously trapping me, then the things I have feared will have won and I will never be an instrument to bring a sense of goodness in the world.
       No, I don't need to be happy all the time. It's important to pay homage to the pain that's going on in the world and not to shut out the difficulties and struggles made by people everyday. But it is not my job to solve them. I am only one person, and while I will do what I can do, I can't take everything on. That is where my Savior comes in. "Surely, He hath borne our griefs and carried our sorrows...He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon Him; and with His stripes we are healed."
      I have known ever since I was a little child that Jesus Christ really is the Savior of the world. I know that it's difficult for some people to believe that. I really understand why. But I know it. With everything I've seen and all the pain I have faced, I cannot deny that enduring truth. I know why others don't understand it, and I certainly haven't always lived up to believing that principle, but I know it nonetheless, like the sun rising in the sky every morning. I've wondered why I have this gift and others do not. Perhaps God knew that because, since I so often try to solve everything by myself and take on all the world's problems,  it is nearly impossible for me to be happy without it. But I know that He lives, that He loves me and that He and my Heavenly Father are the people I can trust in--similar to that little girl who trusted in her father to solve all of the little problems that she could not understand. She went around and kept on learning and growing and experiencing life, in fact, likely more effectively because she trusted in her father. So I don't think this idea relinquishes me from responsibility. It only gives me the liberation to go and take on more.
      In any case, I desire to turn over a new leaf of optimism. Not naive and in denial as I was when I was a child, and not dismissing the problems that we're facing in this world of grief and this veil of sorrow, but of hope and faith, that, although I cannot fix everyone's problems, and though I might not know all the answers, I can trust in a God who watches over His people (all of His children, everyone here on earth) and with His infinite eternal plan that includes the agency of man (who often times make very sad and poor choices) that His power is enough. His love is enough. His atonement is enough. I need to keep looking to Him, and though the shadows may still exist, they will ultimately fall behind me.
     
   

Blog Preface

     La Jornada is the name of my blog. In Spanish could be translated to mean 'the day' or like 'the workday,' but in this instance it's going to signify more of 'the day's journey.' I think it's a great word. If you read my posts, sometimes there will be random words in Spanish. That's okay.
     There's a specific reason why I'm writing this blog. I thought I would actually start a blog. Well, I started a blog once, but so much of the stuff I kept too personal, or I thought that nobody would really understand, that I just kept it all too myself. I would write and never post, or if I did, it wasn't actually to anything I thought people would ever see...and definitely not connect it with me. Nothing bad, of course, I mean, if you know me well enough, I really don't have too much of some secret dark double-life or anything like that. Just things that are apart of this vast web of philosophical nebula mixed with deep practically intangible emotion too thick to sort out that I couldn't possibly expect anyone to understand. Except for crazy people. And I didn't want to look like a crazy people so I just left it unsaid.
     But it is for that precise reason that I am writing a blog. I'm trying to get out all of the things inside my head. Or at least not be consumed by them.

     Anyway, I thought I'd tell you some rules for reading my blog. They're not really rules exactly, I guess just some things to expect or look forward to. So perhaps you could see if this blog is for you.
----(As previously discussed) there may be Spanish words thrown in once in a while. Don't get scared. I'll probably define them for you, and if not, you can look them up on spanishdict.com--I like it better than google translate because it often gives both context and etymology). I've been learning Spanish since for over ten years now and it just feels like it's easier to express my feelings in that language than any other.
----I go off on random tangents. Often times they are funny, sometimes they're just random. They are usually pertinent to the point at hand. And if you think I'm analyzing too much, just know that that is REALLY how my mind is going about ninety percent of the day. I clarify myself. I'm kind of wordy at times, but I think I'm worth listening to on occasion.
----I analyze. Everything. I don't do it on purpose. I believe it was a skill I acquired to learn a lot of important things. But I think I'm related to Monk in that way...it's a gift and a curse.
----I like Monk. And a lot of other tv shows. I may reference them on occasion. As well as literature. I love literature.
----Same goes for philosophy. But it's harder to wrap my mind around that stuff. So if I'm understanding it wrong, please bear with me.
----I'm reaching out to you to not feel so isolated. I think we can do this thing together.
----I can be funny at times. Or exaggerate to make a point. I do all of those irrational argument flaws that Plato talked about. But I suppose I don't have to really care considering it's my blog.
----And lastly, I'm grateful to those who are reading. I'm turning to the world for support. And I hope it works out in the end.


Thanks for Tuning in. Now let's get started. :)